day 39...RAWKED

Day 39 of healing and, once again, LiL Knee went to Rock of Ages \m/

Well what can I say? The cadaver in my knee loves Rock of Ages :) Although I will say that when LiL Knee saw

this picture, LiL Knee was VERY upset not to have taken part in it...

I had the best time yesterday - saw some of my loves, made new friends and had nothin' but a good time! I love seeing my Broadway crew! They are the best and always take such good care of me :) so to those of you who I saw yesterday, THANK YOU!!!!

I think the best part of the night was when a stranger said to me, "do you want to sit here?" I said no as there is no comfortable position for the knee these days and he said, "ACL?" and proceeded to tell me how he had surgery in February and how the first 60 days are the worst. THANK GOD! Today is day 40 and that means only 20 more painful days to go! It's the final countdown and I can't wait to start feeling better! Ok time for more PT!

*Picture from ROA Halloween 2009*

37 days later...

I thought you'd enjoy a laugh so here's a scary pic:

"You know you're dancing when tears of pain and happiness

blend in with your sweat"

-anonymous-

37 days out of surgery and I am still in pain. My knee is definitely getting stronger but it is so sore and stiff all of the time. Sleeping has been almost non-existent as there is no comfortable position to lay in. But the good news is that the infection is almost healed and I'm walking a lot better and hopefully get to lose the brace and crutches in a week! I'm also adding more and more PT to my daily routine. I can't wait to be able to walk and run and jump again....mostly I can't wait to DANCE again!!!

Things to ponder #27

"there are days where you look back on all the struggles, all the hurt, the pain, the tears, and the anger and realize that without it, you would not be the person you are today, or have what you have today... i never thought i'd be grateful for the struggle..."

-Cheryl Cockefair-

HOPE

On February 21, 2010, Shawn Johnson wrote this:

For my birthday this year, i had the extreme pleasure and joy of skiing in Colorado with my closest friends to celebrate my big 18th. While having the time of my life there, finishing up my last run of the day, I took a bad fall. I knew as soon as it happened that something had gone wrong, but kept my hopes up and fingers crossed. I managed to tough out the rest of the trip and still have a blast. When i got home, i went to my doctor just to verify that nothing was wrong – even though i knew something was – and was devastated by the results.

The doctor informed me that i had a slight tear in my acl and meniscus and needed knee surgery. For a girl who has never really had an injury before, this came at me like a brick wall. I wasn’t sure how to handle the news so i did what felt natural. I went straight from the doctor’s office to meet up with Coach Chow. With my eyes full of tears and body language reading defeat, Chow shocked me in his response to the news. He was so comforting, so positive – it was just like old times. He told me things happen for a reason. I am now faced with a challenge that i have never had to face before, at a time in my life that i needed it the most. He told me to look at it as a blessing.

So the blog goes on and she updated it right after surgery while she was stumbling around on crutches, doing as much PT as she could...today when I got home I checked my twitter and was so excited to read her post:

RT: @ShawneyJ

WaHooooooo!! Guess what... Just got back from my last knee appointment... I am officially healed and back on track =D watch out!about 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
I cannot tell you how great it is to hear that she is 100% healed. It gives me hope and strength and courage to continue to push forward and fight the fight and get myself healed and back in the studio asap!
"Things aren’t going to be easy for the next 6 months, but i’m excited to see what comes of all this new time i have on my hands....Life is crazy, unexpected and unpredictable."-Shawn Johnson-

Just For Fun

I'm on FormSpring - ask me anything http://formspring.me/DanelleHerran

FINALLY!!!!!!!

"Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something. Our goal in life is to find it and keep it."

-Mary Lou Retton-

It's a dreary tiring day 34 as it's rainy here in NYC and I only got one hour of sleep...the good news is, I went to the doctor and PT today. I get to stop the antibiotics Friday and hopefully will be able to ditch the crutches and brace in a week or 2! I was given more daily PT to do as well as going to the gym (not gymnastics, but the gym) to do a few things on machines. Things are starting to look up even though it's raining...

"when things go wrong as they sometimes will

when the road you're trudging seems all uphill

when funds are low and depths are high

and you want to smile but you have to sigh

when care is pressing you down a bit

rest if you must but don't you quit

life is queer with it's twists and turns

as every one of us sometimes learns

and many a failure turns about

when she might have won had she stuck it out

don't give up though the pace seems slow

you may succeed with another blow

success if failure turned inside out

the silver tint of the clouds of doubt

and you never can tell how close you are

it may be near when it seems so far

so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit

it's when things seem worst that you must not quit"

-Clinton Howell-

Lesson #4

Being on antibiotics for a long period of time will cause numerous other health problems....

Glitter In The Air

"Have you ever thrown

a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face

and said I just don't care?"

On January 31, 2010, I watched as P!NK was announced and performed this song live. I was so inspired that it made me want to get back up on the trapeze and spanish web as soon as possible. I vowed that this summer I would go to the Trapeze School of NY as well as NY Circus Arts to start re-training my aerial skills. Little did I know that this summer I would basically be learning how to walk again....

It's been almost 7 months since the day I watched this performance. It still gives me chills. I want to fly again. I've been in a state of anger and frustration these past few days. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. PT says I'm fine, I just need to keep doing the exercises because my quad still isn't working properly. They say once my quad wakes up, I will fly through PT and get back to dance.

My range of motion is getting better every day and I'm slowly making progress. It's hard to do PT alone in my room every day and stay positive and upbeat. But I have to keep working - keep sucking it up - keep moving forward. I miss dance. I miss performing. And I can't wait to get back. It's day 33 - tomorrow brings more doctor and PT appointments. I miss dance.

Lesson #3

Make sure you have adequate food in your system prior to taking your last round of antibiotics at night....sheesh! Sick as a dog last night!

Things to ponder #26

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we’d be willing to do that much for them"

-David Roads

Day 30

The motto for the day is, "SUCK IT UP!" Why? Because I'm in pain and I hurt and I cannot give up. So, I must work through it and therefore, suck it up!

Pictures: The LiL Knee Diaries

Holding On...

‎"sometimes your mind's saying,

'ok stop, you can't do it anymore',

but your heart is like,

'you have to do it'..."

Testing....1.....2...

"You have to believe in yourself when no one else does -

that makes you a winner right there."

-Venus Williams-

Today marks day 89 since the injury and day 29 post-sugery. I have been up and down and inside out. The past few days have been hard. They have been a test. I have wanted to cry and scream and quit. Thankfully, I know those moments won't last. I just had a glimpse of sun and am feeling better, determined, inspired. That's the good news. The not-so-good news is that I'm still on antibiotics and am back to using crutches (although we are attempting one crutch). I am fine, I just need to get my quad muscles working better so that I don't injure the rest of my body. I can't walk at 100% so it's safer to continue with the crutches rather than risk injury and a longer healing time.

I want, more than anything else, to wake up, and walk into class, rehearsal, performance...it will happen. The time will come. In the meantime, I get to learn how to use my body properly, how to have compassion for myself and how to stay fearless. It is a long tough road, but I'm on a journey, and the journey is the best part. That is where you learn and grow and can choose to do things differently.

Like Martha Graham once said, "The body is a sacred garment."

Maybe this is God's way of telling me to treat my body better. Having said that, have you thanked your ACL today? :)

Fighting the Fight...

Day 88 of this injury, day 28 out of surgery and day 2 off crutches. I am having a hard time right now. I want to say something uplifting and positive but that would be a lie in this moment because that is not the mindset I am in. But, just like everything, I know this feeling will pass and I know tomorrow is a new day. It's time to close the shades on today, get back in bed and start over tomorrow. And even though right now I want to throw in the towel, I know I can't. I have too much passion and desire to get back to my life, my passion, my love, DANCE.

"I refuse to live my life in fear"

-Fela-

Things to ponder #25

"...if you have a little mistake

you can never give up.

Even when you feel like

its all over, its never over

so just keep fighting

your way through it."

- Nastia Liukin -

goodbye crutches...

It is the end of day 26 and as of this moment, right now, the crutches are being put away. I'm determined not to use them any longer. I still am on antibiotics and pain meds and I still have the infection, but have been stepping up the PT. Tomorrow morning I go to the doctor to check out the infection and make a plan of action to step up my game. My knee and ankle are killing me but I'm pushing through. I am determined to get back to dance, gymnastics and aerial arts ASAP! I miss dancing sooooo much! I have missed dancing since the day I was injured May 22, but I'm realizing as each day goes by, I'm missing it more and more. I've been watching gymnastics all weekend and it is really helping to inspire and push me. I don't care how much pain I'm in, I can do this.

"Dancing appears glamorous, easy, delightful. But the path to paradise of the achievement is not easier than any other. There is fatigue so great that the body cries, even in its sleep. There are times of complete frustration, there are daily small deaths."

-Martha Graham

‎"I WILL NEVER QUIT!" -Nadia Comaneci

Fearlessness

23 days and I'm back at one

It was hard to hear that I'm basically starting over today. I've had a setback due to an infection that appeared on Monday. The good news is, I can start over and this time around I can kick it up a notch - get back into the mindset of a champion, be fearless and basically kick my own butt! :)

On February 19, 2010 someone texted me, "Ok but know no matter what u have me in your corner" Initially it touched me that someone would care that much about me and what I was going through that day, but little did I know that that comment would stick with me and keep me going all these months later. I keep that text on my phone and refer back to it frequently - especially when I'm in a moment of frustration and wanting to throw in the towel.

I went to PT today and was so disappointed to know that my range of motion had gone from a 122 to barely a 90. The infection is still there and still open and bleeding, etc. My knee still hurts. The pain and being unable to do PT 3x a day fully since Sunday has really taken a toll. But I spoke with the doctor today and got a good plan of action.

I have to up my antibiotics to 4x a day and need to push myself in PT more than ever. I have to get myself back into the old school gymnastics mindset. I have to live by the motto I chose to base my life on in January 2009, FEARLESSNESS. I have to get back to that.

Today someone said to me, "if the tumbling assisted in your getting injured, why would you want to do it again." How could I not do it again? It's like breathing to me. It's who I am - it's my heart and soul. It's like in the movie, Nadia, the scene when Bela comes into the class and asks her, "Do you think it's possible for a little girl to fly?"

"I don't run away from a challenge because I am afraid. Instead, I run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your feet." -Nadia Comaneci

Photos: The LiL Knee Diaries

Things to ponder #24

Late night pondering: "Are you standing in your power or are you trying to please another?" -Debbie Ford

Day 22

I was just looking at this picture, thinking back to last summer. A summer where I was, what I thought at the time to be the top of the world. Now here I sit, one year later, barely able to take a step. Here I sit, one year later, unable to do what I truly love in this world. Here I am 2 days after finding out I have an infection in the lower incision - wiped out, tired, trying to go about a regular routine. But what is regular about my life? I can't walk. I can't bend my knee. I can't dance. I can't flip. I can't fly. I know this is all temporary. I know I will be fine. I know will recover and heal and in the process grow. But in this one moment, I long for that feeling of being on stage, being in the studio, the gym. It's hard to wake up each day knowing that the one thing I really want to do, I can't. Imagine the writer who has no hands, the runner with no legs, the singer with no voice. What it comes down to is, in the words of a very smart 6 year old, "NO FAIR!" I want to scream and yell and break things. Throw a tantrum.

But like Mariah Carey once said, "But then...after all the hysteria...everything stopped. There was a moment of peace. I had gained a deeper kind of faith. And I knew it was all part of God's bigger plan for me. So if whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess I'm strong."

I have to constantly remind myself that even though this sucks, it could be a lot worse. I am one of the lucky ones. I will recovery. I will dance again. I just have to keep fighting, keep working, and keep holding on. I have to keep marching on. Keep taking my antibiotics, keep pushing through painful PT, and keep going through it. Thanks for sticking by my side. Thanks for the love and prayers and positive vibes. I love you all!

"Sometimes life can be kinda like a rollercoaster ride. It's like you're going along and everything seems cool...

And it's not like you're looking down but you're not necessarily looking up...to see who's really in control.

When I was little I used to be so scared of rollercoasters. But eventually you have to face your fears. Obviously it's no big secret that my life has always kinda been like a rollercoaster. I've had my ups and downs and I've had my moments when it felt like I was being twisted and turned...When my life seemed to be upside down and inside out and every which way...And just when I thought the scariest part was over something even more horrifying would happen.

But then...after all the hysteria...everything stopped.

There was a moment of peace. I had gained a deeper kind of faith. And I knew it was all part of God's bigger plan for me. So if whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess I'm strong.

It's kinda like being on a rollercoaster. If you don't get on the ride...you won't experience the adventure."

-Mariah Carey-

RAWK star

And then a rockstar sends you a get well email via FB that makes you smile and you realize, "yes! I CAN do this! I can do anything!" (I luv u mama m! Thanks!)

Things to ponder #23

"You are an original work of beauty, light, love, joy and bliss."

-Jennifer Gimenez

Day 21

Day 21 was filled with fear and "what if" questions. Poor LiL Knee is definitely infected - the lower incision opened up early this afternoon and is still not closed. LiL Knee has been in need of a lot of attention, so we got some friends (well technically "stuffies") together for a lil get well party :)

I have to stay focused and keep my chin up even though I'm angry and frustrated at yet another road block in my way. I am learning the hard way that maybe this is the only way for God to get through to me...maybe I need to stop talking about slowing down and taking care of me and actually do it. It's time. I need to let myself just be. I need to stop doing and just breathe.

"The body never lies" - Martha Graham

Defying Gravity

Day 20 definitely did not go as I had planned...then again when does anything go the way I plan? I keep forgetting that I am not in charge. I went to PT this morning and they took one look at my knee and sent me off to the doctor. I woke up at 4am with a massive burning sensation in my knee around the lower incision. It was red and irritated and hot to touch. It got worse as the morning progressed. When I got to the doctor, they looked at it and said it's probably some type of infection though they couldn't believe the wound was healed and not open. As a precaution they gave me a heavy duty 7 day antibiotic treatment. I just finished round one of the meds. I am wiped out.

So once again, here I am with another road block in my way. But, I gotta keep my chin up and stand strong and move through this. I will get better and I will dance, tumble and fly higher than I ever thought possible.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try

Defying Gravity

I think I'll try

Defying Gravity

And you can't pull me down...

Things to ponder #22

"Wake up every day knowing that today is a new day and only you can determine the outcome of that day. So dream big, accept the challenge, and never look back." -Alicia Sacramone

19 days....

"Survivors don't give up, even in the face of indifference"

-Mackenzie Phillips

So today marks 19 days out of surgery and 79 days since I heard that life-altering tear in my knee. I keep trying to look back on the moment that it happened, trying to figure out what went wrong, what I could've done differently, but then I have to stop. It does no good to go backwards because then I get stuck there. I have to focus on the here and now. There's only NOW.

Like Jonathan Larson wrote "NO DAY BUT TODAY"

I had an awful night last night - LiL Knee was sore and achy and I got only 4 hours of sleep - so today was a bit on the hard side. Trying to do all the PT exercises on such little sleep makes it feel 5x as hard. But I did it. I cried through all 3 sessions but I did it.

As always I am trying to stay positive about everything. But as you know, it's impossible to stay happy 24/7. I get sad. I get angry. I want to give up, throw in the towel. But feelings aren't facts. There is a part of me that loves this challenge. There is that fighter in me that won't give up. The piece of me that longs to dance and tumble and fly again. And I will.

I know I've been a bit knee obsessed and I want to take this time to thank you all for listening, for caring, for supporting me. I still have a long way to go, but one day at a time I'm going to do this and when I make it "Through The Rain" I'm going to be so much stronger.

‎"If you believe you can get through an injury and fight back, and you really love gymnastics enough, you can get through it." -Courtney Kupets

Addiction

choreographed by Mia Michaels

How Strong do you think I am....

This is my inspiration and motivation that gets me through PT 3x a day....if you watch this you might not "get it" but it's my driving force to get back to being who I am...it's day 17. I miss dance. I miss gymnastics. I miss flying. I have a long road ahead. I am constantly in pain. I'm exhausted. I'm beat. But I'm not quitting. I will never give up!

***CAUTION***

There are some injuries and falls in this video so watch at your own risk.

How strong do you think I am?

How much can I take of this?

Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist?

Or the breath at the end of a kiss?

How deep do you want to go, because I'll go there if I can,

You make it harder than it has to be,

How strong, how strong do you think I am...

Day 16

"Everything I've ever let go of

has claw marks on it"

- Michael Peake

WoW! Yesterday and today were full of so many ups, downs and turn arounds that I don't even know where to begin. Yesterday I ran into a friend who I used to dance with in California who had knee surgery 3 days after I was injured. We had a nice long chat and it was helpful to have someone there who completely understands and also someone who is ahead of me. Even though our surgeries were different, it's nice to have a familiar face a few months ahead of me to see the progress that's been made.

Last night I was taught a very good lesson in SURRENDERing. It was a tough lesson to learn but am thankful for the opportunity.

Every day in PT I'm making improvements. It's still the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But the progress I'm making helps keep me motivated. Today, for example, I walked in with a 90 degree flexion, and after 2 hours of working, I was at a 105 degree flexion but was then tortured to 122 degrees. It hurts worse than anything else I've ever gone through, but will do whatever it takes to get back to dancing and tumbling and flying.

One very important lesson I've been learning is how to let go. I keep trying to hold on to the past because it's familiar and I'm afraid of what will happen once I jump off the cliff....but you know what? Like the saying goes, "reach for the moon, even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars..." Even if I miss the moon, there is something bigger and better out there for me, just waiting for me to grab hold.

So as day 16 of healing comes to end, I wanted to leave you with the following passage:

"Letting go, on the other hand, asks you to believe that somewhere across the Big Tent of Life there will be another trapeze bar that you can take hold of after you've let go of this one. It's an act of terror and freedom, of trust and faith that when you let go, you will find something new, better, different."

- Daphne Rose King

(from The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart)

numbers...

For the past 534 days I have made the choice to be healthy. It has been a hard roller coaster ride but worth the hard work. Then 74 days ago, I got hurt doing what I love most in this world. It took 60 days to figure out what the problem was and 14 days ago, I got the surgery to fix what was wrong. I'm now facing 6 more months of not being able to do what I love most in this world. It hasn't been easy. It's been a daily battle and struggle. In my dreams I am doing what I love. But then I wake up and realize that this is my reality. A harsh nightmare...not being able to do what you love, not being able to express yourself....I'm trapped inside a prison that is my body and the only way out is through....

I have cried and screamed and wanted to quit. I have tried to find inspiration and gratitude in what I have in this moment. I have gotten angry and sad, smiled and fell apart. It's a never-ending battle between me and my body. I have been in the worst pain I have ever sustained. I have sucked it up and dealt with it. I have also had a few "a-ha" moments as well. I have learned a lot about myself and others. I'm realizing just how much I love what I do and how badly I want to get back to my passion.

And so the fight continues. I won't give up. I can't. It's not an option. I will heal. I will get better. And I will be back. I have hope and faith and trust. And I have gratitude. If you are reading this, thank you for helping me get through this. You mean the world to me! LOVE.

"It’s no secret that I push myself, that I love my work and my life, and that I dive headfirst into everything. But, as I said, I’ve learned a few lessons. The first and most obvious one is that when we blind ourselves to what our hearts or our bodies are saying, when we push ourselves past our limits and ignore the red lights going off of the dashboard, we can end up in pretty rough shape.

The other, equally important lesson is that healing and rest is as important a pursuit as anything else in life. I needed to learn to dive headfirst into healing, to get really good at resting—and that doing nothing can be a profound endeavor. I resolve, for this New Year, to be more mindful and aware—to listen more to the messages from my body and my heart. And to become a champion of rest.

Good things are ahead this year, for all of us. I just know it. It’s time to roll up our sleeves, mix the colors in our hearts and boldly touch brush to canvas. It’s time to get started on the masterpieces that are our lives."

-MARISKA HARGITAY (January 2009)-

Things to ponder #20-21

"Making the choice to nurture within you the qualities you admire in others will

build your self-esteem." -Debbie Ford

"For every person who might reject you if you life your truth, there are ten others who will embrace you and welcome you home." - Marianne Williamson

that's life when you're on the D-List...

Day 13 was the roughest yet but it ended in the most awesome encounter! I met KATHY GRIFFIN!!!!! After telling her about my injury, she said "Use the sympathy card" and then when I said well at least I now have 6 months to sit on my butt and watch you on tv 24/7, she says..."and oprah!" Gotta love the Kathy Griffin! This pic is awful as I had been in extensive pain and stood in line for over an hour before someone took pity on me and brought me to the front of the line :) Thank you random Borders worker - may only good karma and all things amazing come your way! and who cares how I look...I met

KATHY GRIFFIN!

GO BUY KATHY GRIFFIN'S BOOK,

OFFICIAL BOOK CLUB SELECTION!!!!!

"I was raised right-I talk about people behind their backs" - Kathy Griffin

PT day 13

I went in for what I thought was going to be a 30 minute session - it turned into a 2 hour and 5 minute session. It was really good but at the same time, it was the most painful thing I have ever been through. It was worse than ripping my ACL off my tibia bone...it was worse than any injury I have ever sustained. The pain that goes into bending one's knee is unbelievable. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life!

But here is someone who understands:

ROA

Day 12 of healing and LiL Knee went to

Rock of Ages

...again tonight! \m/

I have to say that I have the BEST friends in the entire world! Thanks to everyone who hung tonight with me at the Bourbon Room and for always taking such good care of me and for just being your AWESOME selves! You have NO idea how grateful I am to have you in my life! Thank you doesn't even begin to express how much you mean to me!!! I love you much much!!! "Don't Stop Believing!" xoxo