Surrender

This is one of the main reasons I got my "surrender" tattoo....love this song....love Lisa...soooo inspiring...this song has gotten me through so many things and continues to motivate and inspire me daily....xoxo

A Day of Pondering....

"Best practice for health and healing: Every morning, close your eyes and see light pouring through your body."

-Marianne Williamson

"Whatever inspires you is an aspect of yourself. Any desire of the heart exists to support you in discovering and manifesting it."

-Debbie Ford

"If you have the aspiration to be something, it's because you have the potential to manifest what you are seeing."

-Debbie Ford

"Feel gratitude every day for what we have. What are you most grateful for?"

-Debbie Ford

"When was the last time you gave yourself a break?"

-Debbie Ford

"What if in breaking free of your own denial you could stop someone from victimizing another? Then would you do something?"

-Debbie Ford

"When you're thinking about God, you're not thinking about your problems."

-Debbie Ford

Day 11

HAPPY NATIONAL DANCE DAY!!!!

Have you danced today? Come on....I did a crutch dance :) now it's your turn!

And, I got a smaller brace! Yay! It fits soooo much better!

Ok back to more PT....

I can't sleep...

It is 1:40 a.m. and I can't sleep. I think it's because I upped my PT and am now sore and achy, not to mention the fun burning sensation. I've been having some issues with my brace and thankfully I'm getting a smaller one FedEx-ed to me tomorrow so that should help. Because the brace is too big it is digging into my steri-strips which is NOT fun. The PT is still extremely difficult but I'm slowly starting to be able to bend it further each day. I was able to bus around the UWS and run some errands today....just took about 3 times as long as it used to take. The one thing about being in a huge brace and on crutches is that everyone has something to say to you. It was like I was invisible before but now everyone sees me. Strange...

As always, I'm trying to find the beauty in everything around me. Being forced to move slower and unable to wear my ipod and use my phone as I walk, there is so much more I see now. Just walking down the street, I notice everything - people, buildings, cars, trees, the sky...there is beauty all around us, we are just usually in too big a hurry to notice it.

For now, I am going to lay here and watch tv until I hopefully fall asleep. Technically it is Day 11 and today is also NATIONAL DANCE DAY (July 31st). Go out and dance your heart out today. I will be doing a fabulous dance on crutches....I will be dancing full out in my dreams :) Have a great night!

LOVE

Things to ponder #15

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Things to ponder #14

"The world needs you. We need you to give up your excuses and do your part in the world. Notice someone who can use your help." -Debbie Ford

Day 9 of healing...

The doctor said I was doing great but wants even more PT done to get my mobility back to 100+ asap. They changed all the steri strips....that only burned A LOT but the wounds don't even look bad. It looks like I have a lame superficial wound. I have a few screws in my tibia and femur as well as something called bone plugs and of course my cadaver ACL!

They unlocked my brace and made it really tight since it's too big on me but it's bendable now - though I am a lot slower than I was with it straight. (The brace has been slipping around so the surgical company is going to FedEx me a smaller one hopefully tomorrow)

Then got an xray so they can see the screws etc...you should see the pictures!

Ooh and they showed me pics of my actual surgery!!!!! Sooooo cool! The top of my tibia is purple from being bruised! Well at least it's my favorite color :) and they shaved off little pieces of the cartilage to smooth it out (but that is from old injuries).

The physical therapy right now is torturous! I can't begin to tell you how painful it is to bend my knee but it will get easier. Today was a rough one but it will get better! I got my eye at the end of the tunnel....DANCE! Love ya much!

LiL Knee Photos

Things to ponder #19

"Our fear of change, our fear of stepping into new realities, is so deep that we desperately cling to the world we know. What do you fear?" -Debbie Ford

Things to ponder #18

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."--Albert Einstein

Things to ponder #17

"One simple act of kindness is worth a thousand grand intentions." -Oscar Wilde

Things to ponder #16

"The past is over. It can touch me not." - A Course in Miracles (Marianne Williamson)

Things to ponder #15

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." - Oscar Wilde

Things to ponder #14

"You are here for a reason. How did you make a difference today?" -Deepak Chopra

Things to ponder #13

"When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you

have 1,000 reasons to smile. Amen."

-Lisa D'Amato

Things to ponder #12

"Close your eyes and breathe into this thought: At this moment I have the innate power to change the direction of my life." -Debbie Ford

INSPIRATION

I know I already posted this video but it's worth watching again....It's a video about hope, inspiration and yes, it IS possible to come back and be better than ever!

Bringing day 8 to a close....

Last week at this time I was sitting on a couch at my kiddies house trying to recover from having surgery. Today, I'm lying here on my bed, exhausted and hurting from a HARD day full of PT. Who knew bending one's knee would be sooooooooo painful....ugh. But that's what this is all about...working through the pain, knowing that the outcome is going to be beyond my wildest dreams, knowing that all this is going to mean getting to do what I love once again....DANCE!

LiL Knee Photos

Bittersweet Symphony

Today is Day 7 of the healing process and I moved back home...I'm excited to be back here, getting back to a normal routine, but I'm so sad....I miss being at my kids house. But I will be back there tomorrow after PT and every day just like before...but it's time to get moving. Time to get back to an almost normal routine....though my routine will not be complete until I am back dancing again. I did a lot of walking and moving and PT today and I'm excited to go back to PT tomorrow. I love you all much much and now....time to catch up on some TV and crash...the anesthesia is still in my system and I'm wiped out! LOVE and healing thoughts to everyone.....

Daily Photos: The LiL Knee Diaries

Things to ponder #11

"The world is complicated but love is not. No matter what the problem, love is the answer. Pour love on everything and watch things change" -Marianne Williamson

Healing and Pondering...

So far today I accomplished a walk from 72nd and Broadway to 72nd and CPW!!! I also accomplished a bus ride home! Whoot! I've done my PT for the morning and afternoon and cannot wait for p.m. PT :) I'm going to go back to my house tonight as I feel it is time to get back to a regular schedule. Here is some pondering for you to do.....more later....LOVE.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (erroneously credited to Nelson Mandela)

-Marianne Williamson

"If we ignore or repress our shame, we will express it in some self-destructive way. Take notice of what you're ashamed of."

-Debbie Ford

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm looking for a name for my new ACL.....send me suggestions :)

Day 6 (7-26-10)

Today was a fantastic day of healing and I know that I had some very special angels guiding me along my way. Today is the anniversary of the death of Christy Henrich and Nick Birco and today is also Samantha Runnion's birthday - I bet she celebrated with Christy and Nick up there in the big sky! :)

It's day 6 of the healing process and it was the best yet! Today I started PT at Harkness and it was amazing! Don't get me wrong, it hurt a bit, but was a good hurt. It felt like a good stretch! My PT had me do a bunch of exercises which to anyone without a knee injury would think "how easy" but wow was it a lot of hard work! Before today I couldn't even lift my leg by myself or bend the knee very far. She also watched me walk down the hall on the crutches - I asked her if she wanted to race, but she declined :) and then she had me go up and down some stairs.

I have a list of exercises to do 3x a day now! I love love love PT! I feel like FINALLY I am healing!!! I know I still have a LONG way to go but it's all about the progress right?! I got back to the kiddies house after PT and laid down to read and ended up crashing for 2 hours! WoW! I guess I'm not used to so much activity - this from the girl who was dancing every day up until the injury occurred...

I am learning so much and have so much awesome support! I love you guys so much for being my inspiration. LOVE LOVE LOVE and more LOVE!

"Love is all over the place!" -Allison Case

Day 5 of healing....

I am slowly getting back into a routine. It's weird though because I'm still staying with the kiddies so I'm kinda still out of whack. Today I actually was a human. I got up, showered, and went out. It was hard and NYC on crutches in the summer isn't the most fun time but I did it and I'm grateful! I feel like I'm finally living up to my FEARLESSNESS motto.

The knee still hurts but I start PT tomorrow and am in this huge brace for a month but I'm hoping that each day will become a bit easier and that I'll get stronger with each passing day. I'm ready and willing to work!

From the movie Precious:

Life is hard. Life is short. Life is painful. Life is rich. Life is....Precious.

Twitter Post

LUV MY FRIENDS :) RT: @vicky1027 @DanelleHerran Yay! When I see you in my mind's eye, I always see you dancing. :)

Things to ponder #10

"Most people limit their lives by censoring their desires" -Marianne Williamson

LiL Knee Diaries

I started a daily picture diary on facebook of my knee. Every day I take a picture of my knee and post it. Here is the link.

LiL Knee Diaries

Things to ponder #9

"The inward peace that comes from trust in God truly passes all understanding. That peace no one can take from you. No person has the power to disturb that inner peace. Make it a point to allow nothing today to disturb your inner peace, your heart-calm."

-Jennifer Gimenez

Donor

Today I am feeling pretty good. There is still a lot of pain and burning in my knee but for the most part, I'm doing a-ok! I finally got around to opening up my folder that has all my take home directions in it and found a donor pamphlet. Turns out, if I want, I can write to the family of the person who donated my new ACL to me. How insanely awesome is that!?!? I definitely owe them a huge thank you!

Today I am just laying here, but I did move from the couch to the window seat. I'm just looking out over Central Park admiring the beautiful day. I wish I could get out and enjoy the 100 degree, humid temperatures but I'm better off enjoying from afar. Soon enough I will be back down there running and jumping and climbing on trees again and I cannot wait!

In the meantime, I will just elevate my leg, and when I take my next shower I will attempt to bend it more. It is very sore and stiff. Try this out: take your right knee and bend it half an inch. That's how far mine bends. Now bend it another half an inch...no problem right? Well for me, it's as if someone stuck burning cement in my knee as it doesn't go any further than that and if it does, I cannot describe how painful it is. But that is all part of my healing process. You have to dive head first into the painful stuff to get through to the other side. But once you do make it "through the rain" guess what?! A rainbow appears and you will be so glad you walked through it.

On a completely random note, I have to have this ankle to thigh brace on for one month. I'm going to have the funniest looking tan! Hopefully I will be able to walk soon and will be able to show you pictures of my mis-matching legs :)

Have a wonderful day! What are you grateful for today??? #1 on my list today - my donor :)

LOVE you all!

Things to ponder #8

"You are one of a kind. Your smile opens hearts. You are beautiful. You are brilliant. You are delicious. Do you have anything to add?"

-Debbie Ford

Things to ponder #7

"Whoever you judge you are giving the power to hurt you." -Marianne Williamson

The Learning Process...

Well, today was a lesson in learning how to REST. I was sick all day until about 3:30pm. I was in and out of it all day, just laying here with an intense pain in my knee. I did finally take off the brace today so I could shower. Now that was harder than I thought! So here I am 3 days out of surgery, doing my best to stay put. I'm not good at sitting still. I was originally going to start PT today but due to being so sick and out of it, everyone decided it would be best to wait until Monday. So my plan is to have no plan. I am not planning on doing anything until PT Monday.
I'm grateful to be on the mend, but it's going to be a long slow painful process. At least every time I fall asleep I am dreaming about dancing! :) Thanks for all your love and support. I will have better updates when the burning in my knee starts to go away. In the meantime, go out and enjoy the summer for me, run, jump, walk, play - and don't forget to be thankful for what you have. For it wasn't until my poor little ACL got damaged that I realized how grateful I was for it...

"Choose LOVE" -Allison Case

whoops!

So I guess after a major 2 hour surgery, you shouldn't hobble home and back and then go to ROA the day following that surgery...yes I waaay overdid it and have been paying for it all day today. I don't regret anything that I did yesterday but I was given a good lesson today in slow down and take it easy!
Day 3 of healing - day 63 of this injury....time for more rest. LOVE

Rock Of Ages

I had a BLAST at Rock Of Ages tonight! I was actually able to sit in my seat the whole time! I had to keep adjusting my leg but it was fun! Just what I needed! A little broadway inspiration! Tomorrow I start PT and am able to take off the brace to shower. A little nervous to take it off....but I know it's all a part of the healing process....
Time to sleep.
xo

Day after surgery pic

The day after surgery....don't be jealous of my beautiful brace....too bad it's not purple lol

Day 6(2)

Yep here it is day 62 of this knee injury. But on a happier note, today is also day 2 of healing. I definitely feel a lot better than I did yesterday. Yesterday was probably the most difficult day of my entire life. I had to get through the fear and nerves and anxiety of the surgery, the actual surgery itself and the after effects of it. I was sick from the anesthesia, groggy and nauseous all day...not to mention, yes, my knee hurt, a lot. But I got through it and I'm much stronger for it.

Today I decided it was time to prove to myself that I am ok and can get back to doing things. So, I grabbed my crutches and hobbled home (just across the street) to get my laptop and a few clothes. I made it there and back all by myself. I love the little defeats in life now. The smallest task is the greatest defeat! Who knew that going home, a task I do daily, would be such a huge accomplishment. I see the world from a whole new perspective now. The littlest steps mean the most.

With the help of the ROA gods, tonight I'm off to Rock Of Ages. Yes my knee hurts but I think a trip to ROA might just do me some good! A little bit of broadway magic to inspire me and get me out of my head and my knee.

Today I am grateful. I am in awe of the beauty that surrounds me. Who knew that walking across the street would have such a profound effect on me. Today I noticed everything. Every tree and leaf, the sky, the clouds, the cars passing by. I love living in NYC. And I am now back at the kiddies house resting and healing. LOVE YOU ALL!

"The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them." ~Unknown

Things to ponder #6

"Take a moment, right now, and just... smile" -Debbie Ford

So You Think You Can Dance

I am typing on Ruby's iPad and this post is gonna take forever to type.

To answer my title of this post, no I don't think I can dance, I know I can dance! Just because I'm physically unable to dance right now doesn't mean I'm not dancing. I am dancing every single day - in my head, in my dreams, in my heart - making up dances, reviewing pieces, watching others - I'm going to get better! It might have taken 61 days to figure out what the problem was and how to fix it but it is finally fixed! Now it is time to start on the long road to recovery. It's gonna be a long hard road but I'm ready!

I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support everyone has given me. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family who has taken me in and takes such great care of me! They are letting me stay with them and everything! There is nothing like waking up from surgery - groggy, nauseous and sick - but then having over 30 texts, 10 bbms and 5 voicemails of people checking up on me. And so many tweets and Facebook messages!!! I'm truly a VERY lucky person! I don't how or why I'm so lucky but I am so very thankful and grateful for all of you! I love you much much!

So, day 61 has been a success!!! Now, it's time to heal! Tomorrow is gonna be a day of rest, hobbling home to get a few things and yes, a trip to Rock Of Ages! Please pray I can sit....I did trade in my seats for an aisle one....it's up to the ROA gods though. I love you all. Ok time to get some healing restful sleep.

LOVE and FEARLESSNESS and STRENGTH from me and my lil knee

Alive but tired and nauseous

You know its gonna be a great surgery when the rock of ages commercial comes on....

Breathing.....but scared....

I'm in full hospital attire - locked up my stuff - tongue ring out - almost time - AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

The hospital just called - I have to be there around 8 which means even earlier surgery......

Day 60

Life can be unpredictable...60 days ago I never imagined that this is where I'd be right now.... counting down the hours and minutes and seconds until it is time for my knee surgery. I don't really know what else to say right now except that I feel numb. I feel like time has been turned upside down and inside out. But I have faith that it is all going to be ok. I'm still scared. I'm still anxious. But for right now, I have to keep breathing and stay focused on this one moment because in all honesty, that's all any of us can do.

So, "SURGERY THE MUSICAL" shall commence tomorrow. The show starts at noon and I'm thinking the jazz hands will begin at about 12:01 - so don't be late. And if you are, don't worry, there is glitter in the finale! I think the show is sold out but there might be a few standing room tickets left. You'll have to check with the box office...

I'm collecting positive vibes and prayers and anything else happy at 12 noon (eastern time) and 9am (west coast time) so feel free to toss in whatever you'd like.

I love you all very much and if you are reading this, thank you for being YOU and for being in my life. I would not be able to get through all this without your love and support!

I am now going to watch some TV and drink a million gallons of water as my poor body will be sad once midnight comes and I can no longer eat or drink anything.

Things to ponder #5

"I know that for myself, when I am actively making this world a better place, purpose and contentment permeate every cell in my body." -Debbie Ford

Things to ponder #4

"Freedom awaits you when you let go of the past. We must recognize what we are carrying with us and be willing to let it go." -Debbie Ford

Currently being inspired by P!NK :)

The Final Countdown

Here I sit with only one more day to go and I feel as if there is nothing left to say...people keep asking me how I can stay so positive when my heart and soul have been torn out of me. Don't get me wrong, I have cried and sulked, gotten angry and sad and depressed....but that doesn't really serve me or anyone around me. Yes, this injury sucks. Yes, it's gonna take a lot of hard work to get back to where I was, but I am determined. I can't wait to get to work. I can't wait to get back to where I was and get even stronger! And that is the mindset I have to focus on. Because if I start to worry about tomorrow or 6 months from now, I will get stuck again. I have to stay focused on the here and the now - this one moment because, for me, that is all I have.

"I can't control my destiny

I trust my soul

My only goal is just to be

There's only now

There's only here

Give in to love or live in fear

No other path

No other way

No day but today"

-RENT

Fear does tap me on the shoulder daily, but I have to decide...do I want fear to rule my world or do I want FEARLESSNESS to be in charge. Change doesn't have to mean bad. It just means change. And I have decided to accept it and literally say, "yay change"

I am so grateful for the people in my life - the love and support I have gotten from numerous people have been overwhelming. I am constantly amazed and in awe by all of you. Thank you for being YOU!

Surgery the Musical

"Surgery" the musical update: it is scheduled for this coming Wednesday, July 21, 2010. The call time is 10am - curtain at noon. There is no intermission and the show runs about 2 hours. It will be conveniently located at Lennox Hill Hospital. I think it is sold out, but there might be standing room left. Not sure how much tickets are, but I can guarantee there will be jazz hands and glitter. And don't worry, the star of the show will be front and center, LiL Knee....

PT#1

Off to Harkness for Dancers to discuss my PT plan post surgery...

Text Update

The modem in my apartment is apparently broken which is a bummer as I wanted to blog tonight - guess the big guy in the sky would rather I read......But I will say there is nothin like getting well-wishes from everyone at Rock of Ages! Best night ever!!! Thanks everyone!!! :) LOVE

Thanks

I have the GREATEST people in my life! Thank YOU for keeping me going, for keeping me inspired, and mostly just for being YOU!!! Sending much love back atcha!

Things to ponder #3

"Every label that defines us limits us" -Deepak Chopra

Do Something Different

"There's a purpose to the crisis you're in and part of its purpose is that, through it, in a very profound way, the cosmos is inviting you to have a different experience of life and of yourself. Reality is bumping you up a notch, saying, in effect: you thought life was about 'getting and spending,' as the poet William Wordsworth once wrote, but it's not. It's about becoming a greater expression of yourself, stepping into alignment with who you truly are, getting on the path that is yours to walk in this life, and connecting with the purpose that is yours, uniquely, to fulfill."

-from the book:

The ten things to do when your life falls apart by Daphne Rose Kingma

Things to ponder #2

"When you feel bored or stuck, take a risk. Do something unpredictable and out of the norm for you." -Debbie Ford

Things to ponder #1

"What if the goodness in people's hearts became the force that runs the world..." -Marianne Williamson

Day 57

Today is day 57 and I am now just waiting - unable to physically move forward until wednesday - in the meantime, just getting everything else in order...heal heal heal....LOVE

Lesson #2

don't read a hundred articles about your injury and definitely don't youtube the surgery you are going to have just before you attempt sleep....oops!

Lesson #1

yesterday at the doctor - they said to stop the naproxen - wow! Had no idea how much that was helping me!

inspirational video

yes, we all know I am not an olympic gymnast, and that dream came and went, but as an ex-gymnast I cannot tell you how inspiring this video is and how much it continues to inspire me daily that yes, it IS possible to come back and be stronger and better than ever! Enjoy! xoxo

Hey I can now blog from my cell phone! This will come in handy when I'm lazy and don't want to turn on my computer...gotta love having a crackberry! I can tweet, facebook, email and blog from my cell!

Quote

"The presence of pain is the promise of change." -Daphne Rose Kingma

Inspiration

Allison Case started a blog when she was injured. Here is what it said:

"one day you're invincible. one day they tell you you're not. but you realize you still are. but you begin to learn that this is all part of being invincible: bouncing back, keeping the faith, fighting the good fights, still being forever grateful. and knowing this too shall pass. i just started to undergo tests for a hip injury which has completely changed my life. literally one day everything changed. so here i can tell you whats on my mind, what the process is like and prove to you change doesn't mean bad. it means change. here we go...

here's a place to find randomness. inspiration (i hope). and who knows what else. i have no expectations. i only know i may have a lot to share during my hippie time."

I never thought I would be facing an injury this severe at this point in my career, but here I sit, 55 days into a knee injury that will require surgery and a lot of rehab in order to get back to my life, my love...dance, gymnastics, aerial arts, etc.

So, like Allison, I hope you will be able to find some kind of inspiration here. Something that you can relate to - something to inspire you - something that says, "yes, this totally sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will be ok"

I'm determined to rehab myself back into the studio as soon as possible. I have faith that everything will be ok. And even though I don't feel like learning anything else right now, I know this time is going to change my life for the better.