Light at the end of the tunnel.....

72 days post-op and the dance goal has been set: DECEMBER 25, 2010! Step up the PT and let's do this!!!!! Time to end this injury nightmare once and for all! I can't wait to be back in class and rehearsal and on stage!!!

End the backlog!

Help www.endthebacklog.org

Things to ponder #33

"Courage. Hope. Freedom. Fearlessness.

All things are possible with an open heart and a joyful heart."

-Mariska Hargitay, Joyful Heart Foundation

hEaLiNg...

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

-- Tori Amos

Just a quick note as I've not updated in a while. 70 days post-op and I am walking fairly normal now even though it still hurts. I can walk pretty well UP stairs but not down. My quad is still very weak. Now I'm just strengthening as much as possible. I can't wait to start dancing again!

Things to ponder #32

via Courtney Kupets,

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance,character; and character, hope.”

- Romans 5:3-4

WoW!

Gemini Sep 22 2010
Take a break from worry today, Gemini. If you've been wasting your time worrying about something you cannot change, you are stressing yourself out but you aren't doing anything productive. Instead of fretting over what might happen or what you could have done differently, take a more proactive approach. Spend some time strategizing on where to go from here, and then take that first step - but do so with joy and enthusiasm. Something you want to accomplish is just within your reach.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile

what if it's possible.....

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Gil Bailie

Things to ponder #32

"It does not matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up."

-Vince Lombardi

"no fear"

"I know pain can. I can recall how debilitating it can be. Keep strong. This will soon be only a memory - a test you will have conquered from the gods - and what a test for sure!"

-August 24, 2010-

I am sick of being injured, tired of daily PT and not being able to dance. This injury sucks. That is all there is to it. Yes I will get better. Yes I will dance again. Yes this will probably make me a stronger person.....but right now, all I want, all I wish is for this whole thing to be a memory. The day I can leap in 2nd is going to be the greatest day of my life. It's going to be the day that I cry tears of joy instead of tears of sadness.....goodnight day 61....

Things to ponder #31

"I am finally understanding the true meaning of valuing myself thanks to every experience I have faced and still enduring"

-Nicole De Weever-

Saturday September 18, 2010

"ALL ACCEPTANCE BEGINS WITH CREATIVITY..."

-HETTIE BARNHILL-

Day 60 and I was afraid to leave my room with no brace, but like Fela said, "I refuse to live my life in fear" so here goes....

It's been exactly 2 months since I had surgery to repair my ruptured ACL. It is the first full day where I left my apartment with no brace and no crutches...just me and LiL Knee. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. Who knew that just walking outside would be so scary. Seriously I wanted to cry. But then I went to see FELA! for the 3rd time. It was SO much fun and the entire cast was amazing as always. And the cast are the most passionate, heartfelt, beautiful, talented, inspirational, nice people I have ever been lucky enough to meet. And they always send me off with healing thoughts for my knee. So to those of you who performed at 2pm today, THANK YOU! To those who took time out of their day to speak to me backstage, THANK YOU! You have no idea how much you inspire me to continue to heal and get back on stage asap!

It's been a good day. I'm slowly learning to be me again. Slowly re-learning to walk around, slowly gaining back some confidence, slowly becoming fearless again. My knee still constantly hurts, but it is getting better every day. I can't wait to be 100% me again. I can't wait to be back doing what I love - living life in the studio and on the stage. I can't wait for that first day where I can dance........

OMG!!!

for the first time since i walked into Lennox Hill Hospital on July 21, I left the apartment with NO brace!!!!!! Day 59 and I'm free!!! Time to get strong, finish healing and DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE! I can't wait! I can't wait! I can't wait!!!!!! DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE!

original no artificiality

Day 58 and there is nothing like seeing true passion combined with talent! Like they say in Fela! "original no artificiality..." I will say that the hardest thing to do is sit and watch it though...I want to be the one up there - in the studio, on the stage. It will happen. Just have to be patient. Countdown....

‎"I refuse to live my life in fear..."

-Fela Kuti-

Inspiration on day 57

"I'm not afraid to fall

It means I climbed up high

To fall is not to fail

You fail when you dont try

I'm not afraid to fall

I might just learn to fly

And I will spread these wings of mine..."

-Superchick-

I'm so excited to have gotten the link to this video (see below)....

it's the most inspiring thing ever! Look out world....I'm NEXT!

Shawn Johnson - Back in training after recovering from ACL surgery!

56 days later...

"...thinking about the battle between my will and my body."

-Karen Olivo (July 12, 2010)

Just another fun filled day of Physical Therapy...thinking about how my cadaver tendon is turning into a ligament. It reminds me of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly....come on LiL Knee....get better get better!!! I miss dancing!

Day 55 and I just took the subway for the first time since I was injured may 22nd! Progress... :)

Thankful for my injury...

Yeah, who would have thought that those words would come out of my mouth. But it's true. I'm thankful for had I not been injured, today would have never happened.

Today is day 54 out of surgery and I've been having a few roller coaster days. I feel as if everything is upside down and inside out. The good news is, I'm healing. It is slow. It is painful. But it is healing.

On Thursday (day 51) there was a horrific gas main explosion back home in California and it was so surreal watching the live stream online. The worst part of the whole thing was knowing so many friends who live in the area and not being there to help. Thankfully everyone I know is going to be ok and even though there was destruction, in time, it will all be alright.

Friday (day 52) I watched with the rest of the nation as we pulled together to

Stand Up To Cancer!

Saturday was the 9th anniversary of 9-11 and day 53 out of surgery. I thought about everyone who lost their lives especially all my kids who lost parents in 9-11.

And in the evening, I went, once again, to see American Idiot on broadway.

And here we are at day 54, Sunday. It's the 2 year anniversary of the day I reclaimed my freedom. For me, it's a day to remember where I've been and to see how far I've come. And even though it's a coldish rainy day here in NYC, I had one of the best days of my life.

As I sat in Starbucks you will never believe who walked in! Allison Case and Karen Olivo! If you don't know who they are, you need to google them immediately and get to a broadway show stat! They are 2 of my broadway heroes, my inspirations for so many reasons. The most recent reason is that they have both recently had injuries that kept them off the Broadway stage. Watching them get injured, deal with the injury and get back on stage has been my saving grace and the one thing that has kept me going since I was injured 114 days ago. Actually, Allison Case is the reason I started this blog to begin with. If you look way back at my first post, I quoted her.

I didn't get their autograph, I didn't get a picture with them, but I got something better. I got to thank them for helping me. I hope to one day meet them again. There are not enough words to say Thank You to them for all they do.

Tonight I went to Rock of Ages, yet again :) and John Walsh from America's Most Wanted was in the audience. At intermission I walked over to him and had the privilege of meeting him and his daughter. I thanked him for the work he does and sent a special thanks for featuring cases close to my heart like Xiana Fairchild, Laci Peterson, Nick Birco and all the other missing children cases I have had the privilege to volunteer for. They ended up thanking me for volunteering, saying they need more people like me in this world. I was in tears. He shook my hand and gave me a hug.

And there is nothing better than standing outside the BAT after the show and being able to say hello and get hugs and healing wishes from the most amazing people in the entire world such as my hero and inspiration, Maisey, and the amazing JWo, Joey and Emily.

Life works in mysterious ways. I'm honored to have had the day I had. I will never forget meeting these people, having the friends that I have today, remembering those who have flown up to the skies. Today I'm living my dream. In this moment it's not perfect. Do I want to be injured? HELL NO. Do I wish I could be dancing now? YES. But at the same time, had I not been injured, I probably wouldn't have been in that starbucks, at that show tonight, writing these words now. This quote pretty much sums it up for me today:

"To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you:

the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together,

the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.

And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength,

and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow –

empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking

of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new,

you recreate yourself – you reform.

You don’t have the same heart or mind.

The way you see the world is forever changed"

-Lynn Mari

Check out LiL Knee at the end of Day 54

IN LOVING MEMORY

Today is 53 days out of surgery but this post has nothing to do with that:

Thursday there was tragedy back home in California, Friday was Stand Up 2 Cancer, today is 9/11 and I'm thinking of all my kids who lost their parents on 9/11/01 and Sunday is the 2 year anniversary of the day i reclaimed my freedom...wow, life is a rollercoaster... everything feels like it's upside down and inside out but today, i'm thankful for all those who are in my life and am remembering those who have flown to heaven....

If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough

but the heart keeps telling you

DON'T GIVE UP

who are we to be questioning, wondering, what is what

don't give up

through it all

JUST STAND UP!

the LiL Knee that could....

"Learning to dance gives you the greatest freedom of all, to express with your whole self, the person you are - the physical language of the body is so much more powerful than words."

-Bill Irwin

It's day 50 and PT was awesome! LiL Knee is ahead of the game as far as ROM! yay! And this is my first full day off of crutches! yippee! I am also allowed to walk the one block to and from work with no brace! :) They hope by next week to have no brace on me at all. I would love to jump up and down with excitement but the doctor said, "NO JUMPING!"

The not so happy news is not only does LiL Knee have bursitis but also tendonitis - but that's not gonna stop us - time to suck up the pain and move ahead!

And, I would like to once again, thank Shawn Johnson for landing her first double pike yesterday! Next up, Ivana Hong....and then it's my turn! I want to get back into the gym and studio!

day 49 continuation....

I went to the doctor today for LiL Knee because it's been hurting a lot. The good news is I'm off of crutches for good! :) The not so good news is I have knee bursitis and that is why it's been so painful, not to mention the purple tibia bone. But I'm pushing ahead and have so much hope!

Shawn Johnson tweeted this tonight:

I think I shed a tear at practice today... I landed my first double

pike on the competition floor...

Thank you Dr. Davick :.) I'm back

I love hearing from Shawn Johnson and Ivana Hong because they recently had the same surgery as me and Shawn is already back, Ivana still healing, and I'm not far behind her! I'm determined to get back to my passion, my love, and when I do LOOK OUT! I'm gonna be unstoppable!

49 days and still healing...

Well it's day 49 out of surgery and day 109 since I heard the loud, life changing rip in my right leg. There isn't a whole lot to report, hence why I haven't posted an entry in a while. I'm doing my PT daily and my knee constantly hurts. The infection is finally cleared up and I'm off antibiotics and now the last incision is healing. I have been told the first 2 months are the worst as far as pain and being uncomfortable and I hope it gets better after that because I'm in a constant state of "OUCH!"

I really miss dance and I'm really sad that I can't walk into my favorite classes and rehearsals. I miss my dance clothes. I'm trying to stay focused and do as much PT as I'm allowed because I want to get better and get back asap, but I also realize that I have to take this slow because if I don't I will have to start all over again and I definitely don't want to waste any more time. You don't realize how much you love something and how much you are what you love until it is taken away from you. My heart and soul are ready to go, but physically I'm not. It is so frustrating and I'm jealous of everyone who is healthy and gets to train and take class because I want to be there soooo bad!

But I will not give up. I will continue to fight to get better and get back to dance, gymnastics and circus arts.

THE LIL KNEE DIARIES - PICTURES

"The way people move is their autobiography in motion." -Gerry Spence

An ACL rupture followed by reconstructive surgery HURTS!!! Did I mention how PAINFUL it is!!!!!!!!??? OWWWWWWWW

we are all gonna be alright!

Day 47 and all I can say is even though this song has nothing to do with my knee, just the title alone makes me feel better about life in general. And who doesn't KNEEd a fun, catchy song in their head! :) WE ARE ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT!!!!

Things to ponder #30

When your mind says give up, hope whispers one more try.

Things to ponder #29

Don't be a spectator, don't let life pass you by. -Lou Holtz

Things to ponder #28

Giving is not just about being able to write a check. It's being able to touch somebody's life. -Oprah

43 days...just.stay.focused.

43 days ago I had surgery to repair the ruptured ACL in my right knee. The infection is finally healed over but isn't completely healed yet like the other two incisions. I am doing a lot of PT and starting Monday I am allowed to start upper body swimming. I can't wait as I haven't been able to dance or workout since the injury occurred 103 days ago. The pain is still there, still excruciating at times but every time I look at the end goal, I know that this is all worth it. I can't wait to be back in class and rehearsal and on stage!

"When you decide to persist, it's because in the face of perhaps

thousands of reason to be discouraged, you choose to be bold,

to carry on, to keep on duking it out, no matter how grizzly,

tedious, intractable, or seemingly hopeless the present situation may seem."

-Daphne Kingma

I will get back to where I was and I will be better than ever before!

LiL Knee Pictures

LiL Knee is a lot taped...pics comin latah 2day